Finally, I'm getting back to my blog after more than two years absence. My life is back to normal - well, as normal as anyone's life can get. It's been just over two years since I had my second mastectomy and so far things are going well. No recurrence of the breast cancer. Theoretically, three more years and I can say I'm cancer free.
I hope to update this blog on a more regular basis. I'm actually working on a post about the Boston Marathon bombings and how scary that is for so many people. It seems trite to merely say, "Trust in God, take your comfort from God." So once I have that post where I want it, I'll share it with you.
For now, meditate on the words of the medieval mystic, Julian of Norwich: All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.
Blessings,
Rev. Deb
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
The Big Cs
I've been doing some reading lately on cancer, for some strange reason. I came across the following in Voices of Breast Cancer: The Healing Project. Debra LaChance is the founder of the Healing Project. Since cancer is often referred to as the big "C", Debra came up with her own list of the Big Cs. Here they are:
These Cs are good guidelines in everyday life for everyone, not just for anyone going through cancer. And I'm not just saying that because I do Cry and I do Complain at times. ... I really need to work on never feeling guilty ...
- To show Courage in the face of so much challenge.
- To accept Caring as it comes.
- To take Comfort from others.
- To let yourself and others Cry.
- To know it is OK to Complain.
- To stay Connected with those you love.
- To be Constant in your ability to rise above but never feel guilty when you can't.
- To build Character for when you come out on the other side.
- To Create kinship with others not as lucky as you.
- To say I Can.
- To say I Cannot.
- To opt for Plan "C" if you must.
- To take Control of your diagnosis and become your own advocate.
- To believe in a Cure, if only for your heart.
- To make Choices that you can live or die with.
- Finally, with cancer, you have to be ready to chart a new Course, for the rest of your life, no matter what the outcome.
These Cs are good guidelines in everyday life for everyone, not just for anyone going through cancer. And I'm not just saying that because I do Cry and I do Complain at times. ... I really need to work on never feeling guilty ...
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Life as I knew it ...
It's been quite a while since I posted on this blog. You'll understand, I hope, that my mind has been turned inside out and upside down by the cancer diagnosis and subsequent surgeries and upcoming treatments. To be honest, I don't feel that I've been handling it all that well. I am, after all, a clergywoman and should be able to maintain a constantly open communication line to God. That has been easier than said.
Let me say that I hate cancer and what it does to me. It completely occupies my mind - almost all my waking thoughts. It often prevents sleep or at the very least interrupts it regularly. I am a woman who needs her sleep. Without regular sleep, I become cranky, extremely emotional and terribly scatter-brained. However, I think the worst thing cancer has done is to raise a whole new kind of fear in me - a magnified fear of the unknown that is on a level that I have never really experienced before.
Fear is irrational. Fear feeds on uncertainty. Fear feeds on exhaustion. Fear feeds on fear. The fear of the unknown has become an obsession. And it seems to be my constant companion. Whirling around in my poor overworked mind are a multitude of questions, few answers and a sense that I am a young child again afraid of what is outside my window.
Samples:
Am I going to get sick with the chemo treatments? How sick? Will I lose weight or will I gain weight?
Will the chemo treatments go ahead as scheduled? Or will they be delayed because my surgery wound is not quite healed? If they do go ahead, what will that mean for healing of the wound?
Should I get a wig? Is it a waste of money? How will I look with a bald head?
Will I ever be able to look at the mastectomy scar or even touch it? Will my right arm ever regain some feeling rather than this numbness?
On and on and on goes the hamster wheel of fear.
I have been blessed to have a family that supports me, a partner that loves me pretty much unconditionally (good thing considering how I've been feeling/acting lately) and a congregation that loves and cares for me.
In the beginning I was fairly calm about this cancer thing. Rather than "why me?" I thought, "Well, why not me?" But emotions are very draining over time. And I have to confess that I wish I was handling this better than I am. I don't like not having control. I don't like dissolving into tears unexpectedly. And that adds a whole new fear - is my attitude not positive enough for this fight with cancer?
This is beginning to sound like the diary of a wimpy pastor. I pray that I will overcome these hurdles with the help of my constant, ever-present companion, Jesus.
Blessings to all,
Rev. Deb
Let me say that I hate cancer and what it does to me. It completely occupies my mind - almost all my waking thoughts. It often prevents sleep or at the very least interrupts it regularly. I am a woman who needs her sleep. Without regular sleep, I become cranky, extremely emotional and terribly scatter-brained. However, I think the worst thing cancer has done is to raise a whole new kind of fear in me - a magnified fear of the unknown that is on a level that I have never really experienced before.
Fear is irrational. Fear feeds on uncertainty. Fear feeds on exhaustion. Fear feeds on fear. The fear of the unknown has become an obsession. And it seems to be my constant companion. Whirling around in my poor overworked mind are a multitude of questions, few answers and a sense that I am a young child again afraid of what is outside my window.
Samples:
Am I going to get sick with the chemo treatments? How sick? Will I lose weight or will I gain weight?
Will the chemo treatments go ahead as scheduled? Or will they be delayed because my surgery wound is not quite healed? If they do go ahead, what will that mean for healing of the wound?
Should I get a wig? Is it a waste of money? How will I look with a bald head?
Will I ever be able to look at the mastectomy scar or even touch it? Will my right arm ever regain some feeling rather than this numbness?
On and on and on goes the hamster wheel of fear.
I have been blessed to have a family that supports me, a partner that loves me pretty much unconditionally (good thing considering how I've been feeling/acting lately) and a congregation that loves and cares for me.
In the beginning I was fairly calm about this cancer thing. Rather than "why me?" I thought, "Well, why not me?" But emotions are very draining over time. And I have to confess that I wish I was handling this better than I am. I don't like not having control. I don't like dissolving into tears unexpectedly. And that adds a whole new fear - is my attitude not positive enough for this fight with cancer?
This is beginning to sound like the diary of a wimpy pastor. I pray that I will overcome these hurdles with the help of my constant, ever-present companion, Jesus.
Blessings to all,
Rev. Deb
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
The Dreaded Diagnosis
Well, it seems that I have been drafted into a club of sorts. No, not a professional sports team type of club, but a club consisting of women who have or had breast cancer. As I've made clear to them - I didn't want to be part of your stupid club!
This recent diagnosis has sent me into somewhat of a tailspin. Many days, I don't know which way is up. I'm having great difficulty concentrating and keeping track of things. Christmas Eve really snuck up on me, and that's really not good when your life's work is congregational ministry and the Christmas Eve service is the most highly attended service of the year.
Given that I'm a woman in ordained ministry who constantly struggles with the inner urge to be better than the male clergy (no offence to my male colleagues; it's my issue), and throw in a heavy dose of the busiest time of the year and you already have a tasty recipe for ... exhaustion.
It was a complete surprise to me. A routine visit to my family doctor to check out a couple of innocuous cysts resulted in an assessment of "they really look like sebaceous cysts, but we'll get a diagnostic mammogram just to make sure." No big deal, routine procedure.
One week later I get a call saying that there was a cancellation for the next day and would I like to come in. I stammered a little, but agreed. So the next morning, my partner and I, moseyed up to the local hospital for what was probably going to be a bit of a painful process (think kneading a loaf of bread and squishing it really flat), but not a long one. How can one be so naive and yet so middle aged?
The mammogram turned into a more focused mammogram. That in turn translated into an ultrasound. And then a visit from a very kind, compassionate radiologist. Ah, my first clue that all was not well! The cysts were not a problem, but they had discovered a suspicious spot or tumour that she thought should be biopsied - TODAY, NOW!
I swear I could almost feel the earth tilt on its axis. Nothing would ever be the same again. Eight days later the results were in: Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. Since then I have been living in a fog (I think that's an old Wonderful Grand Band song).
I'll post more later and as I navigate the white water rapids and sometimes deceptively calm streams of my journey through breast cancer. Oh, and did I mention sleep is all over the place - that's why I'm writing this at my computer at 5:20am.
Blessings people,
Rev Deb
This recent diagnosis has sent me into somewhat of a tailspin. Many days, I don't know which way is up. I'm having great difficulty concentrating and keeping track of things. Christmas Eve really snuck up on me, and that's really not good when your life's work is congregational ministry and the Christmas Eve service is the most highly attended service of the year.
Given that I'm a woman in ordained ministry who constantly struggles with the inner urge to be better than the male clergy (no offence to my male colleagues; it's my issue), and throw in a heavy dose of the busiest time of the year and you already have a tasty recipe for ... exhaustion.
It was a complete surprise to me. A routine visit to my family doctor to check out a couple of innocuous cysts resulted in an assessment of "they really look like sebaceous cysts, but we'll get a diagnostic mammogram just to make sure." No big deal, routine procedure.
One week later I get a call saying that there was a cancellation for the next day and would I like to come in. I stammered a little, but agreed. So the next morning, my partner and I, moseyed up to the local hospital for what was probably going to be a bit of a painful process (think kneading a loaf of bread and squishing it really flat), but not a long one. How can one be so naive and yet so middle aged?
The mammogram turned into a more focused mammogram. That in turn translated into an ultrasound. And then a visit from a very kind, compassionate radiologist. Ah, my first clue that all was not well! The cysts were not a problem, but they had discovered a suspicious spot or tumour that she thought should be biopsied - TODAY, NOW!
I swear I could almost feel the earth tilt on its axis. Nothing would ever be the same again. Eight days later the results were in: Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. Since then I have been living in a fog (I think that's an old Wonderful Grand Band song).
I'll post more later and as I navigate the white water rapids and sometimes deceptively calm streams of my journey through breast cancer. Oh, and did I mention sleep is all over the place - that's why I'm writing this at my computer at 5:20am.
Blessings people,
Rev Deb
Saturday, November 13, 2010
A Glimpse of Light
It isn't often that there are 2 bits of good news on the internet in the morning. But today was actually one of those days.
First: Burma's military government released Aung San Suu Kyi today, after the latest term of her detention had expired. According to CBC, Suu Kyi has spent 15 of the last 21 years in dentention; the latest being a period of 7 1/2 years. She has been under house arrest, not having access to a formal trial, since her party won an election in 1990 and the military refused to hand over power. Coincidentally, her release comes just a week after another election which saw a sweep by the military's political party.
Suu Kyi has been an outspoken, but non-violent, advocate for democracy in Burma, AKA Myanmar. She was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 1991 and is a devout Buddhist. This unassuming, slim 65 year old woman, is apparently quite a threat to the military. I can't help but think of Gandhi.
Let's hope and pray that her freedom will last and that her work will continue and be successful.
Second: Closer to home, Prime Minister Stephen Harper and his conservative government have (finally) endorsed the United Nations Declaration of the Rights of Indigenous Peoples. In 2007, the UN passed the motion with four countries - Canada, Australia, New Zealand and the United States - voting against the declaration. Australia and New Zealand have reversed their stance and finally Canada has followed suit. Our government's concern was apparently that it could re-open already settled land claims. The United States has stated that it will review its position.
For centuries, indigenous peoples have been mistreated, abused, and been robbed. All four of the dissenting countries were settled primarily by the British Empire and in their effort to colonize these countries, set about exterminating or assimilating the indigenous peoples. They were robbed of their land, their livelihoods, their traditional and spiritual culture - and for some, certainly in Canada - robbed of their children.
It's about time they were granted some universal rights. It's sad that it took this long - after the rights of women and children. One only hopes and prays that these rights will have a greater impact on the world than the rights of women and especially children.
Both events offer a glimpse of light in a world that is so often devoid of light. "The kingdom of God has come near." Hallelujah!
First: Burma's military government released Aung San Suu Kyi today, after the latest term of her detention had expired. According to CBC, Suu Kyi has spent 15 of the last 21 years in dentention; the latest being a period of 7 1/2 years. She has been under house arrest, not having access to a formal trial, since her party won an election in 1990 and the military refused to hand over power. Coincidentally, her release comes just a week after another election which saw a sweep by the military's political party.
Suu Kyi has been an outspoken, but non-violent, advocate for democracy in Burma, AKA Myanmar. She was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 1991 and is a devout Buddhist. This unassuming, slim 65 year old woman, is apparently quite a threat to the military. I can't help but think of Gandhi.
Let's hope and pray that her freedom will last and that her work will continue and be successful.
Second: Closer to home, Prime Minister Stephen Harper and his conservative government have (finally) endorsed the United Nations Declaration of the Rights of Indigenous Peoples. In 2007, the UN passed the motion with four countries - Canada, Australia, New Zealand and the United States - voting against the declaration. Australia and New Zealand have reversed their stance and finally Canada has followed suit. Our government's concern was apparently that it could re-open already settled land claims. The United States has stated that it will review its position.
For centuries, indigenous peoples have been mistreated, abused, and been robbed. All four of the dissenting countries were settled primarily by the British Empire and in their effort to colonize these countries, set about exterminating or assimilating the indigenous peoples. They were robbed of their land, their livelihoods, their traditional and spiritual culture - and for some, certainly in Canada - robbed of their children.
It's about time they were granted some universal rights. It's sad that it took this long - after the rights of women and children. One only hopes and prays that these rights will have a greater impact on the world than the rights of women and especially children.
Both events offer a glimpse of light in a world that is so often devoid of light. "The kingdom of God has come near." Hallelujah!
Friday, September 24, 2010
One step forward ... two steps backward (Disturbing content)
Just when I think humans have reached a low point something turns up to prove me so very wrong. I've been disturbed by the level of intolerance that some people demonstrate - like the anti-Islam sentiment continuing to sweep the US. But a news item on the internet this morning was just plain disgusting. http://news.sympatico.cbc.ca/home/police_cant_block_facebook_rape_images/9e1e6f7e
Apparently a 16 year old girl was at a rave and was slipped a date rape drug. When she was sufficiently unconscious, a group of young men/boys took her outside and proceeded to gang rape her, while others took photos and videos on their phones. Now the video and photos are being passed around on the internet via email and have even been posted on facebook.
This is so very disturbing and revolting, but even more saddening. Do these young people have any families? Do they have anyone at all in their live who care about them? Have the boys been raised with such little respect for females that this incident doesn't even register on their radar as ethically and morally reprehensible - let alone illegal?
I'm at a loss to find any rationale whatsoever behind this action. The consequences are sure to be far-reaching. For the victim and her family - a savage attack that was viewed far and wide - may be impossible to escape for decades or a lifetime. For the onlookers, perhaps a sense of guilt and shame will haunt them, if not now, then when they are parents themselves. For the rapists, likely a prison sentence and record. That's the thing about bragging on the internet, chances are it will eventually come back to bite you in the ... .
I pray for all of you. May God have mercy on your souls.
Apparently a 16 year old girl was at a rave and was slipped a date rape drug. When she was sufficiently unconscious, a group of young men/boys took her outside and proceeded to gang rape her, while others took photos and videos on their phones. Now the video and photos are being passed around on the internet via email and have even been posted on facebook.
This is so very disturbing and revolting, but even more saddening. Do these young people have any families? Do they have anyone at all in their live who care about them? Have the boys been raised with such little respect for females that this incident doesn't even register on their radar as ethically and morally reprehensible - let alone illegal?
I'm at a loss to find any rationale whatsoever behind this action. The consequences are sure to be far-reaching. For the victim and her family - a savage attack that was viewed far and wide - may be impossible to escape for decades or a lifetime. For the onlookers, perhaps a sense of guilt and shame will haunt them, if not now, then when they are parents themselves. For the rapists, likely a prison sentence and record. That's the thing about bragging on the internet, chances are it will eventually come back to bite you in the ... .
I pray for all of you. May God have mercy on your souls.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Church Signs - They'll know we are Christians by our love? - or by our hate?
This week I browsed the internet for something funny to add to Sunday's bulletin. I thought some church signs might display some funny sayings that might work. Well ... some of the signs are downright disturbing. For example: "I kissed a girl and I liked it, then I went to hell"; "Jews killed the Lord Jesus"; "Christmas - easier to spell than Hannukah"; "Dictate Dominate Devastate the world for God"; "Obama Osama Humm Are they brothers?"; "Sacred Cows make the best hamburger".
Since when is trashing Judaism, Islam, and Hinduism on a public sign part of Jesus' teachings? Which gospel has this teaching in it? I can't find it.
What on earth is wrong with Christians in our world today? Well, thankfully, we can't lump all Christians into the "hate-mongering" type. Sometimes I just want to scream "READ THE GOSPELS!!!" The main message of the gospels of Jesus Christ is LOVE. "The first [commandment] is , 'Hear, O Israel: the Lord our God the Lord is one; you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this, 'Love your neighbour as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." (Matthew 12:29-31, NRSV)
Jesus told a very famous parable to illustrate just who our neighbour is. Look it up in the tenth chapter of Luke's gospel. The Good Samaritan stopped to care for a man attacked by robbers, even though the victim was ignored by his own people. If Jesus were to come to us today, who do you think he would hang around with? Who would his people be? The wealthy, church-going, bible-thumping Christians? Somehow I don't think so. I suspect Jesus would hang out in a homeless shelter; he would eat with people who live on the streets or spend their days wandering around; he would visit and hold people with AIDS and cancer and dementia; he would bless same-gender marriages. Hey, he might even take a prostitute to breakfast, or sit with drug addicts as they ache for a fix.
That is my vision of the 21st century Jesus: kind and gentle, laughing uncontrollably with children, furious at the injustice that seems to be rampant in the world. Jesus would be equally at home with Christians - Catholics and Protestants and orthodox, Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, Taoists, and many more. Who knows, Jesus might even be female? Wouldn't that be a hoot!
If it were me doing all this public non-Christian bashing, I think I'd be pretty worried about how a vengeful, judgmental God (that many seem to believe in) is going to take all this meanness.
Or maybe I'm all wrong and "they" (whoever they are) are right. They have a right to their beliefs, just as I have a right to mine. But it still bugs me when those beliefs assault my eyes and ears. "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."
Thanks be to God for the life, teachings, death and resurrection and LOVE of Jesus the Christ. Amen.
Since when is trashing Judaism, Islam, and Hinduism on a public sign part of Jesus' teachings? Which gospel has this teaching in it? I can't find it.
What on earth is wrong with Christians in our world today? Well, thankfully, we can't lump all Christians into the "hate-mongering" type. Sometimes I just want to scream "READ THE GOSPELS!!!" The main message of the gospels of Jesus Christ is LOVE. "The first [commandment] is , 'Hear, O Israel: the Lord our God the Lord is one; you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this, 'Love your neighbour as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." (Matthew 12:29-31, NRSV)
Jesus told a very famous parable to illustrate just who our neighbour is. Look it up in the tenth chapter of Luke's gospel. The Good Samaritan stopped to care for a man attacked by robbers, even though the victim was ignored by his own people. If Jesus were to come to us today, who do you think he would hang around with? Who would his people be? The wealthy, church-going, bible-thumping Christians? Somehow I don't think so. I suspect Jesus would hang out in a homeless shelter; he would eat with people who live on the streets or spend their days wandering around; he would visit and hold people with AIDS and cancer and dementia; he would bless same-gender marriages. Hey, he might even take a prostitute to breakfast, or sit with drug addicts as they ache for a fix.
That is my vision of the 21st century Jesus: kind and gentle, laughing uncontrollably with children, furious at the injustice that seems to be rampant in the world. Jesus would be equally at home with Christians - Catholics and Protestants and orthodox, Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, Taoists, and many more. Who knows, Jesus might even be female? Wouldn't that be a hoot!
If it were me doing all this public non-Christian bashing, I think I'd be pretty worried about how a vengeful, judgmental God (that many seem to believe in) is going to take all this meanness.
Or maybe I'm all wrong and "they" (whoever they are) are right. They have a right to their beliefs, just as I have a right to mine. But it still bugs me when those beliefs assault my eyes and ears. "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."
Thanks be to God for the life, teachings, death and resurrection and LOVE of Jesus the Christ. Amen.
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