It's been quite a while since I posted on this blog. You'll understand, I hope, that my mind has been turned inside out and upside down by the cancer diagnosis and subsequent surgeries and upcoming treatments. To be honest, I don't feel that I've been handling it all that well. I am, after all, a clergywoman and should be able to maintain a constantly open communication line to God. That has been easier than said.
Let me say that I hate cancer and what it does to me. It completely occupies my mind - almost all my waking thoughts. It often prevents sleep or at the very least interrupts it regularly. I am a woman who needs her sleep. Without regular sleep, I become cranky, extremely emotional and terribly scatter-brained. However, I think the worst thing cancer has done is to raise a whole new kind of fear in me - a magnified fear of the unknown that is on a level that I have never really experienced before.
Fear is irrational. Fear feeds on uncertainty. Fear feeds on exhaustion. Fear feeds on fear. The fear of the unknown has become an obsession. And it seems to be my constant companion. Whirling around in my poor overworked mind are a multitude of questions, few answers and a sense that I am a young child again afraid of what is outside my window.
Samples:
Am I going to get sick with the chemo treatments? How sick? Will I lose weight or will I gain weight?
Will the chemo treatments go ahead as scheduled? Or will they be delayed because my surgery wound is not quite healed? If they do go ahead, what will that mean for healing of the wound?
Should I get a wig? Is it a waste of money? How will I look with a bald head?
Will I ever be able to look at the mastectomy scar or even touch it? Will my right arm ever regain some feeling rather than this numbness?
On and on and on goes the hamster wheel of fear.
I have been blessed to have a family that supports me, a partner that loves me pretty much unconditionally (good thing considering how I've been feeling/acting lately) and a congregation that loves and cares for me.
In the beginning I was fairly calm about this cancer thing. Rather than "why me?" I thought, "Well, why not me?" But emotions are very draining over time. And I have to confess that I wish I was handling this better than I am. I don't like not having control. I don't like dissolving into tears unexpectedly. And that adds a whole new fear - is my attitude not positive enough for this fight with cancer?
This is beginning to sound like the diary of a wimpy pastor. I pray that I will overcome these hurdles with the help of my constant, ever-present companion, Jesus.
Blessings to all,
Rev. Deb
